As someone who has goals, who works highly independently and is currently juggling time and money to build a business single handedly as well as training for my first marathon I have no real time for fun, as defined by most people.
During my younger years in life I opted for fun and was pretty good at it! Now I choose to put all my energy into the things that I see as my priorities meanwhile leaving out most aspects of play as a matter of choice and necessity to sustain my life and the energy required to be able to work towards the bigger picture.
In my current position I am the sole producer of all creative output and business aspects of building my creative enterprise. I have to juggle a variety of tasks, from producing music, writing tracks, mastering them, designing graphics, social networking and online promotions, website design and then all the business aspects of being self employed, book keeping, thinking, planning, being dynamic in a fast changing media environment, learning all there is to know about the areas of business I am going into, registering with and updating all online spaces, working out new operations and software applications and heap of other things that get added to my list of things to do.
I do all this because I am too far down the road to go back, I do this for love and passion, I do this with faith and hope that this process will lead me to where I want to be. Where is that you may ask, and I too have to ask myself the same question, where do I want all this to go, why am I doing it, what are my ultimate goals and what do I wish to achieve from all this work for little or no pay as yet.
I am the same as any artist I guess in that department, I am hoping that somewhere along this road, somebody will recognise what I do as worthy of their endorsement and allow me to make a living from it that will be enough to better sustain me and allow me to do the things I really want to do with my life, the play that I hope to have one day.
They say in life we need to have balance, that all work and no play makes you dull. I can be far dull from previous experience, but in order to do what I am doing right now there simply is no other way to do things other than to lock off certain aspects of my “fun” in life otherwise something more important suffers. There is only one of me and I must divide my time and energy into the aspects that best serve what I percieve to be my route to success.
I often sit alone in the hours I do have as my own personal leisure time, these hours are often at the end of a long ass day and by that time I do not have the energy for much other than staring at the TV before heading to bed. I get invited to nights out, but I choose to decline these because my resources must be spent just maintaining what I am and my life. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing the right thing, it gets tempting to chuck it all in and just go out and not give a damn like most people, get drunk, have fun instead of working hard, training for marathons and doing all these things that prevent me from having large amounts of “play” time.
The last few years have been a hard slog. I have been on an emotional journey, a spiritual journey, an educational journey, an artistic journey, a creative journey, and educational journey, a phyiscal journey, a mental journey, a journey that has tested so many aspects of me, my strength and my will to carry on…there have been times I have have been tripped up and fallen, but I have got back up and carried on with my own motivation, not with someone pulling me along or pushing me, only myself. As an artist and a dreamer I am often best left in my clouds of imagination and dreams for some of the other things that could fulfill my life, as in reality they rarely bring the beautiful feelings and love I hope for.
Some say I am too hard on myself, but I just see the standards I want to attain, and if I can see I am not there yet then I still have work to do, I want to be as good at the people I aspire to be and until then, I may be a bit “dull” and have less fun. This path of attainment is what gives my life vitality, purpose and meaning, it may not fulfill all aspects of my happiness, it may be misunderstood or appear dull to others but essentially it’s what keeps me happy most of the time, which is the main objective after struggling many a time to feel that way about this thing called life…