As I sit here and observe myself and my life now, there is one thing that has remained close to me since the day it was born…HOUSE MUSIC and music in general. My love for house music specifically began in its 80’s roots era when there was a whole mish-mash of new music going about, it was exciting, the music just took me and has held me captive ever since in all its branches. The acid noises, the deep sounds, the message, there was just something about it that spoke to my soul and has done ever since.
Back in those days I was in my early teens, was having difficulties at school from bullying, was having difficulties at home with the similar issues growing up as a blacksheep in the general dynamic of my family and I think house music just gave me a place to escape to where I could survive emotional traumas. It became the friend that was in my ears hooked up to the Sony Walkman in my pocket. I used to feed the cable of my Walkman up my school shirt collar into the ear that my long hair covered and I’d sit in classes with the latest recordings I’d made that week. Artists like, Tyree Cooper, Todd Terry, Roxanne Shante, Monie Love, Adeva, Toni Scott, Turntable Orchestra, A Guy Called Gerald, Simon Harris, Bomb The Bass, Balearic Beats, all the Deep Heat Collection kinda stuff for those that remember the Telstar tape packs.We also had a couple of pirate radio stations I used to record from in Glasgow, the NHS and Radio Mercury that were pumping out the music that they were playing in the raves which in those early years I was not allowed to go to, but as soon as I was old enough I hit the clubs and loved it even more, feeling the full effect of the sound on massive systems.
In 1991 I left my hometown Glasgow at the tender age of 19 and moved to London. It was not long before my ears found the sounds they liked on the FM dials surfing through the pirate stations down there! Like a pied piper this music called me to it and the people that were part of it, and I ended up right in the middle of the London Underground House Scene which later evolved into many other branches that essentially grew from those smaller roots when there was just a circuit of people that were really hardcore participants and dedicated ravers.
It was like a family, it was the closest thing I had to one, being so far from home and a place to be sometimes when the homes that I had to rent were not so great. House music events and venues provided a home away from that, a place with lots of friends, the best music in the universe and lovely dancing people that were much better to be part of.
This scene and those experiences have turned out to be the focus of much of who I am and what I do now today now 400 miles where it all began. Life took me back to my home town after 10 years in London, but my heart always remained firmly grounded in it.
The years I have been back here on this part of my journey have taken me on some deep soul experiences, a lot of solitude, a lot of things to work through and not many people around to help me, so I turned to the thing that was always my best friend and place where I felt love in something, house and garage music.
It has supported me through tough times and in the end become what I live for to a large extent and why I have put all my energy and passion into learning how to build the very music I love and try to get better and better at it. On this journey of house music production and learning as my music output got better, so did I, slowly, like peeling off the layers of an onion, the understanding of self, the search for inner peace, the fight to win battling against depression in a place where you once lived where you no longer feel is so much home, where you are a black sheep again, not the norm, not your typical female, a bit of a now “jockney” (Scottish Cockney), who loves House and Garage music, estranged from family with a lot of re-bonding to try and do, not welcomed back with open arms, just blamed for poor life choices, a jump from a frying pan in London that was hot to another pan that was the same or worse, still no rest, still no place I could call home, and realisation of why I left home all those years ago. Again forced to live in a cold rented room with drafty old windows, sharing a cold bathroom with no bath, doing my best to pass my studies and work a way out of this to a better life. All this time life had always taught me that if you are good to people good things happen, I used to sit and wonder what it was I ever did to deserve this life, I’d always been a giver, tried to help people, it didn’t add up, I didn’t see I had to help myself too. I was sad; sad about loads of things, I just didn’t understand why life had dealt me this lonely card.
I started to read books, and more books trying to understand myself, my life, to try and find a way to break the code, self help, spiritual teaching, philosophies, psychologies etc. and slowly started to gain an understanding of self and more to the point SELF ESTEEM and how if damaged can affect and infect every thread of your life for the good or bad. I studied multimedia and began learning to make music and these abilities gave me creative outlets where my fast moving ideas and emotions could find a place of expression, where I could grow, something I could build as a focus while I endeavoured to rebuild myself.
Finding help or support like professional counselling through doctors etc. was almost impossible, because on the outside I could look fine, and appear fine, they didn’t really take me seriously when I said I was depressed and suffering a heap of emotional and mental trauma brought on by years of having to be strong and suffer at the hands of others who found a target in me. It wasn’t until 2013/14 that after reading a book called “Highly Sensitive People” by Dr. Elaine Aron that was highlighted by Oprah, that I finally felt some real inner peace and that last part of understanding I required to feel ok being me and experiencing life the way I do emotionally and energetically. Suddenly other stuff started to make sense, a further recommendation to the Myers Briggs personality test revealed I am an #INFJ which then also helped another slot machine full of pennies to drop.
Not knowing these things my soul has led me to this place of introversion rather than the more extrovert I was in my early 20’s fueled by brandy & coke, weed and club life. I now sit and make music that reminds me of those times, from my little illusive spot as this avatar DJitalEssence being the creative soul I am, pondering life, trying to find happiness, unsure of the direction to take but knowing the road has to be back dropped by house and garage music and just hoping it will lead me closer to something real again for otherwise it is like I am on an island just living on imagination, hopes and dreams using my creativity to fill the all the voids in my life with music, building my field of dreams (Vital Grooves), hoping they will come…