Archive for category Only Essence
Tender kissing, gentle touch, stroking silent intenseness. Lips brushing, pulse accelerating, naturally intuitive senses.
Barriers crashed, overridden, inevitable outcome without decision.
Energy sharing waves of desire, every moment savouring fire.
Intimate sensual tantric vibrations, releasing closeness, breathless sensations.
Beautiful feelings melting as one, feels like home but it’s only just begun.
Too many maybe’s, the fire is well and truly out, a memory almost gone, you covered it in doubt. Hopes risen to disappointment with your mind changes and excuses, the only result now is you lose this.
I’m not sharing anymore of my understanding, you are not commanding this one way street. I walk away, nothing more to say, we shared one lovely day, a dream that was seeded, now fading like the past, no longer needed.
Picked up just after 4am with very little sleep we were now off on this crazy mission with a 4hr drive up north to the start point of this epic hike! Nervously excited, tired but determined in my mind that I’d accomplish the task ahead. I had read the reports, downloaded the route, printed off a map, all that remained now was the endurance of this testing estimated average 11hr walk, braving & scrambling some slightly exposed ridges and getting the 9K back along the road to the van at the start point!
The weather was changeable on the drive up but began to clear more as we got closer to our destination and just as we arrived the hills were framed by a gorgeous rainbow, always a good sight to me, there’s just something mystical and awesome about them and in my mind a sign that the day was going to turn out well.
Rucksacks on the backs packed with the needs and necessities we headed off to hit the first Munro, meeting one other couple along the way who were going an “off piste” route up the mountain, we chose to stick to the path more trodden. It was quite a climb to the first summit as we traversed back and forth winding up the rocky grassy path. From there the next summit was not far and without too much descent in between, so we carried on to Munro No.2. before we stopped for a short re-fuelling break.
Somewhere after this was where I had to scramble over a reasonably short exposed ridge section. I’m not totally afraid of heights, however, from previous experiences of looking down from these kinda heights at pretty scary looking drops and that sinking fearsome feeling I get in my belly, I have found the best solution for me is to only focus on where my feet/hands are going, put my blinkers on and keep going! Lol!
I made it, phew, now more trudging as we continued along to the next peaks and troughs, the last 3 had quite large incline/declines in between and there was another ridge section, which I again employed the same “don’t look down” strategy and got happily down the other side of that where we met another 3 walkers and stopped for a bit of hill banter before continuing on this mission.
We reached Munro 6 and for a moment thought that it was 7, so the map confirmation that we still had one more to go was a bit of a blow to the mind more than the body as now it had to be re-calibrated to factor in further endurance than was thought for just a moment.
After that we kicked up the pace a bit pushing just to get to the last one, which was a hugely welcomed sight I’ll tell you! But, the walk was far from over, the decent back to the road was quite looking like quite a trek still on ViewRanger, and in order to get on that route there was a quite vertical few meter looking scramble ahead first much to my dismay!
At this same junction there was, what appeared to be, another kind of path and possible route back down the valley that looked like a somewhat tempting option from where we were standing and it looked to cut off some walking time. So we made the decision to head down it! Very rubbly and not very pleasant walking at all, as well as pretty steep at first, it still seemed do-able though, but then as I was looking ahead at the terrain and where we were aiming for something was telling me this was not going to end well. It was getting later, now early evening and the sun was going down, we were tired, I was getting edgy and so said to my hiking companion that I felt we should try to head back up the mountain and over to try and find a way back to the official route off. He felt we could still make it but my gut feeling was that, although more ascent was far from ideal at this stage in the walk, it was going to be the best option!
So we crossed up and over and could finally see the actual path in the distance near the stream, still quite a way to go though. At this stage in the walk it was really all about just plodding on and getting off the mountain with a slight urgency as light would be fading faster soon, a bit gruelling now but the mind was just on getting back to the van! Which was still parked another 9K along the road once we were back at the gate! Ooooft!
Battling through boggy grassy midge filled sections and a couple of streams crossings, the second of which I did a lovely little slip and dip into as I attempted to step across the awkward stones. I laughed, wet but just really really happy to be off the mountain by this point, still not home and dry yet though by any means!
Once through the gate onto the road we passed a campervan parked and began trudging along the road back to where the van was parked, trying to thumb a lift from passing cars but to no avail until finally that same campervan we saw just as we came off the mountain came along the road and stopped for us!
Oh the sheer relief and joy, Simon and his van were like angels to me by this point, saving the last 5K of the walk, which very soon would have been in the dark! All Gods at this point were thanked in earnest, especially as we drove along the road and saw how much distance we still had to go! Ahhh…at last, the van, dry socks, trainers, warmth, a seat…but still a 4hr drive home and it was now 11pm!
Even though I was not driving and could have nodded off for a rest I felt a duty to my driver and hiking buddy to stay awake just as he had to complete this mission. Anything else would be a cop out, plus I wanted to try keep talking to break up the monotony of the long dark drive through the winding country roads, especially with deer often on or around the roadside to watch out for too.
3am and we were back in town, 24 hours since I’d got up to prepare for this epic expedition, and that it sure had been. A huge test of endurance of body and mind, the faith to keep going, thankful for the instinct that guided me to call to head back to the path on that last section on hindsight especially now after chatting to other hikers and reading reports of how folks got into dodgy troublesome descents by continuing to follow the valley route back. Phew!
That’s 7 Munro’s bagged bringing my total to 23 and that little bundle is not one I’m in any rush to repeat and do again any time soon! Still, goal set and goal met, no cuts or bruises and a great sense of accomplishment along with no feeling of great urgency to see another mountain for a while! Lol!
Days that feel like an eternity waiting,
Still no message, I’m anticipating.
There’s always something in the way, another reason love is on delay.
His warm kisses feeling colder, the fire he started now just a smoulder.
Bad timing to begin falling, he’s got other priorities calling.
Seems love is unavailable every time, never for me, never mine.
We went walking talking, sunshine blazing on the sea shore, no thoughts that this might be anything more.
Lotion massaged with hands that sent a shiver, eyes shut she did not anticipate the kiss he was to deliver.
Lips met like magnets hard to part, breathless heat rising and a pounding in her heart.
Passion aching and rising in desire, the sun was hot but his kiss was setting her on fire.
He teased her with his touch just enough to let her know, just a taste from first base of other levels they could go.
The personification of everything she loves, her music in the flesh, a body that feels like home to hold, lying next to him as he sleeps in her awakened state of surreal reality.
A kiss in a dream blurred into experience, that chemistry she imagined now felt. Lips that gently beckon her into pleasure, a soft touch that makes her melt.
Wonders with no expectation, what will be will be. There’s always dreams though, possible visions to see.
It was 2012 when I took on and met my first full marathon challenge, 5 years ago, one of those “things to do before you’re 40” bucket list kinda things I suppose, plus I’d already been managing half marathons previously for a few years and wanted to push up the challenge.
A lot had happened since that last event in my life, amongst them the agony of a Mortons Neuroma in my left foot, which made even walking painful for over a year until FINALLY after doctors, podiatrists etc. sent me back and forth then eventually for the scan that confirmed I did in fact have the MN that I had guessed I had through googling and observation of my symptoms. This meant I could be referred for a cortisone shot in 2015 that reduced the pain I’d been suffering so long. I could not understand why they could not have just sent me for the scan at the start and saved me so much stress & discomfort!
In addition to this I had been on a hike/walk over in Millport, a small island off the West Coast of Scotland, where, after taking a wrong walking route, ended up in a field where I was bitten by something on my leg. To this day I do not know what it was, all I know is I had 2 bites that flared up every few months and a heap of Lyme disease or Autoimmune type symptoms that caused me to feel awful most of the time in one way or another, it was like my body was under attack and I didn’t even know what the enemy was. Again the doctors, only at my request, tested me for Lyme, late stage, as this was now a good couple of years that these bites kept reappearing as if I’d just been freshly bitten then subsided but never went away completely, it was very odd, stressful and incredibly tiring. Not only that the doctors made me feel like I was silly to suggest the bites were the same ones that kept flaring up, and the Lyme test came back -ve, but they tried a course of anti-biotics which again still left me having to just try to manage to get through suffering. A friend on FB suggested a course of Oregano Oil and very kindly sent up some for me to try. I dosed myself with a few drops every day in ginger/lemon/honey tea and low and behold a few weeks later I felt just a bit better, certainly the edge of symptoms seemed to be taken off but I was still in a land of health limbo totally unsure if or how I would be able to feel “normal” again. It was depressing, debilitating, lonely, tiring and a chapter I am very glad to glance back on now in a far healthier state and be far removed from, but it took a battle, discipline with food, reducing inflammation in my system and sheer determination to get well again.
Then as if dealing with all that wasn’t bad enough I opened myself up into the first close personal relationship I’d had in years and that turned out to be yet another battle I had to face as it did not end well to say the very least, this left me in another health mess of CPTSD and struggles that almost broke me, again, receiving assistance and the right support seemed hard to get, so I just had to read, study, self help through online resources, in my cocoon of safety until I felt I could peek out, maybe even stretch my wings and then attempt to fly again, or maybe even truly for the first time! At least I had music to keep me going through these trials.
2017, all of that drama behind me, mentally stronger than ever, physically almost back to my old self, already running good distances, and the email reminder for the Edinburgh Marathon hit my inbox around Xmas/New Year. Something pulled my gut towards signing up for this challenge and I decided I was going to go for it! My “come back” run, a 26.2 mile stamp of my feet to everything that had tried to break me and show it all that I was stronger, that all that stuff didn’t win, that I was the winner!
Towards the tail end of 2016 I had begun hillwalking, still with some residual foot pain from the MN, but bearable, what was less bearable was being grounded and not getting to enjoy outdoor adventures and exercise in life the way I wanted to. It’s amazing how grateful you can be for a relatively pain free walk when you’ve had to endure months where every second step was in some way painful. I was determined to heal this thing, I’d read it was possible. The support of hillwalking boots and insoles seemed to help over time, and it wasn’t long before I got roped into climbing my first Munro!
2nd January we hit Ben Lomond and I had a couple of slips on the ice, just enough to cause my right knee to have issues for a while, so that was me out of commission for a bit and somehow I overdid it that day and it brought on a bout of CFS and generally feeling pretty awful again which was pretty horrid, not only that I was now wondering if I’d be able to keep training for the marathon.
Managed by end of January to get out for a run again and began building my strength back, it felt so good to be able to run again, a few aches and pains here and there but nothing compared to the pain of not running, for mind, body and soul, it had for years become the injection I needed.
By March I even braved a few more MUNRO climbing missions and I was upping my distances, it was looking good! The marathon gig was on! Whilst injury free and not wanting to temp fate I cut out on the MUNRO missions to focus on just running, getting my distances up and doing my utmost best to stay injury free!
It was all going pretty well, hadn’t quite pushed up my distances up as far as I’d hoped by tapering time but 19 miles was going to have to be close enough. The next 3/4 weeks was just spent enjoying shorter 10 mile runs in different locations, even back to the island I got bitten on. I ran round it on a lovely sunny day, just for a change of scenery, briefly remembering the episode of weird symptoms that began there years before and was just so glad it was over!
The final week, Monday, I was all set for the run the following Sunday, a slightly unwelcome disruption that I could have done without, my flat was having new windows fitted, so I had to move stuff to allow for the works, get my cat to my friend for the day and have my day turned upside down. I helped my neighbour move a chair for the same reason and thought nothing of it till I woke that Monday morning with a ridiculous hamstring/glute pain which seemed to have come out of nowhere, the only thing it could have been was the chair lifting! Ahhhhh….PANIC!!! Of all the things to happen!
By Tuesday it wasn’t much better, I was having to have a chat with myself about the possibility that I may very well just have to cancel the run altogether but I had a few days to do everything possible to get this mystery pain to go. Resting, compression, massaging, hot baths, cold compresses, the works…and by Friday it had eased enough for me to try a short slow paced 2 mile jog with support bandage, which I did and nothing tore or left me in agony, so I decided I was going to AT LEAST try to run the marathon but be sensible to chuck it if it got too painful.
Saturday prepared, kit all layed out, food shopping done and housework done so I didn’t need to do much after I returned from the event in whatever state that may be! Lol! Saturday night got crazy indigestion and couldn’t sleep so was awake till about 3am and was up at 6am to get breakfast and be in time for the train to Edinburgh that would get me to the start line in time.
Tired I got on the train, nervously excited, the buzz of all the other runners around, about to descend upon the streets to undertake this mission of endurance, all likely similar to myself with some focus or reason in their mind for doing it! Met an interesting lady from New Zealand on the train, a fellow spiritually conscious empath as serendipity would have it, and we hardly stopped chatting the whole way, from deep intellectual tangent topic to tangent and before I knew it we were there!
A short walk now to dump my bag on the truck that would take it to meet me at the finish line and then to the start point at Regents Road! This was it, I was here, and determined to beat the odds and do this thing! The sun was shining, it was gonna be a hot one but I wasn’t going to be pushing it too hard for speed PB’s I’d decided, today it was just about making it through the finish line! I ran the first 10miles or so at a pretty decent pace but my foot and knee began nagging a bit and with the heat on top of that the next 8 miles or so was the most gruelling! Took a couple of paracetamol and extra carb sachets around 17 miles and found a second wind! The last 8 miles was actually pretty good and unlike the first time I was running the last mile struggling, this time I was happily running to that finish line, so thankful that the wee legs had held up, that the mind had not given up when it argued with me to stop, that the music on my playlist in my ears had helped me focus away from the pains of endurance.
It was lovely to have the crowds shouting your name read from the number tags we had pinned on our tops! Go on Susan they shouted, well done, you’re almost there! And then that was it…I was through the finish line, it was like a blur, time becomes almost non-descript when you’re running for that long, it’s almost like a parallel universe place that is entered, perhaps that’s why I love it so much!
A slow dazed wander now to retrieve my bag from the lorry, collecting my medal and goodie bag on the way, and stopped some chaps to ask if they’d kindly take a finish picture for me with my medal on. Turned out they were from Washington DC, maybe some connection to the recent visit from Obama, always nice to meet interesting people!
I glugged down the banana protein shake, chatted briefly with a girl from London next to me and ate a banana whilst basking in the heat sitting on the grass with hundreds of other tired but happy people. Next headed to get the bus back to the city centre to catch the train home where I met a guy from Aberdeen and one from East London who had travelled up to do the race with his fiancé. Lovely to encounter such a diverse mix of lovely positive folks during my day out.
A wander through town from the station to get home with the goodie bag in hand and medal rattling round my neck, nods and smiles of acknowledgement to the other occasional entrant passed on the way also making their journey home from the day.
It was over, mission accomplished after all these months of discipline, pushing myself to train, testing times, injuries, faith and focus. Like a weight had been lifted, a new sense of lightness and freedom tied with gladness that I had successfully met my goal, in my own mind I had won, and more than just a medal.
Woke up the next morning feeling like someone had beat me up my legs in my sleep! Lol! I could hardly get up out of bed and laughed as I struggled with the DOMS onset, by day two and after an Epsom salts bath the pains began to ease a bit and I was now looking forwards to the summer ahead with that feat of endurance behind me!