Archive for category Vital Ponderings
Too many maybe’s, the fire is well and truly out, a memory almost gone, you covered it in doubt. Hopes risen to disappointment with your mind changes and excuses, the only result now is you lose this.
I’m not sharing anymore of my understanding, you are not commanding this one way street. I walk away, nothing more to say, we shared one lovely day, a dream that was seeded, now fading like the past, no longer needed.
Contemplating as I sit here on the couch under a blanket with cups of ginger/lemon tea, soggy hankies, a runny nose, bit of a cough and generally feeling the aftermath of this year’s running event. Glad at least that on a muscular level it only took 2 days for the worst of the burn to cool down in my legs and reflective of what was behind my motivation for doing this challenge in the first place.
I was unable to run the 2013 event due to ill health in general from chronic stress overload causing all kinds of horrible symptoms and on top of that I somehow managed to develop a Morton’s Neuroma on my left foot, which for the last year or more meant that even walking was painful until at the beginning of August I was given a cortisone injection which greatly helped thankfully!
Prior to this the previous 2 years were a challenging emotional roller coaster ride that ended in a painful crash. Healing from the damage that ensued after that soul wrecking experience was perhaps the deepest and most challenging thing I have had to go through, and I had to do it alone for many reasons that will probably not be understood by many or most. Alone was the only “choice” as many of the people closest to me were not helpful or supportive, and in fact added to the equation of negativity I was trying to solve. Only those healing from virtually a lifetime cloud of narcissistic abusive experiences will truly know the depths that this type of experience brings.
It is a programming pattern puzzle only fully solved when the deepest shadows of the soul are brought to light found by looking deeper into the conditioning and circumstances that caused this to be a vibration I found so often in the first place throughout my life. Once this is understood, the metamorphosis can begin to change future life experiences creating them from a new mould. A new self that knows and understands healthy boundaries, has awareness of the red flags and NPD as whole, a new way of seeing the past which then can heal the present and allows the future to unfold with inner peace never known before. Breaking the co-dependency, the people pleasing syndrome, the seeking for external validation and seeing and understanding the dynamics of the meaning of love in a whole new way. The journey to real self love and acceptance.
The last time I ran this marathon in 2013, my life was in the beginning of a turmoil that would unfold and reach a climax in 2014 and so to run this road again now and complete this distance was a huge sense of a comeback, a proverbial stamp I was putting on myself to say that I had won the battle through the emotional and physical hurdles of the past couple of years and built my strength back to where it was before it was challenged.
Therefore, there was a lot in my mind hanging on my performance for this event. I was aiming and hoping to get close to my PB of just under 2 hours. The training on the run up to the race was sporadic and not my usual full on thing, twice I had to stop training due to first a pulled left calf, out for two weeks and then again my right, out again for another couple of weeks leaving me unsure if I would even be able to train for it. After some advice I changed my training routine and incorporated cycling into the mix which really helped build my core strength up, then I was able to run the distances again and began to build up my miles so at the beginning of September I decided I was going to go for the half marathon and do my best.
It’s always emotional at the start line, especially for me as a sensitive empath soul. I did have to fight back a few tears as we did the warm up with the music booming through the crowds of participants and supporters all cheering and anticipating the 13.2 miles of tarmac ahead. Once through that start line it’s amazing what you tell yourself to keep pressing on. The first 4 miles are usually pretty easy, I ran them at a good pace, the next four a bit more grueling and uphill in parts, then the next 4 miles you know you are over the halfway mark and on the home straight to some extent but this is when it gets serious and you can see some stopping to walk and hear the tiredness in the pants and puffs of those running alongside, by that time the supporters cheers are even getting tired! Reaching the crowds on the home straight is always a great feeling, you know you’re practically there, so I pushed to try to scrape a few extra minutes off the race time and then threw a fist in the air as I thankfully crossed the finish line.
Running has been something that has given me a sense of purpose, triumph, fulfillment, accomplishment and pride over these past few years since I started in 2008 with my first 5K Race For Life I built up to 10K’s, then half marathons and managed my first full one in 2012, another one being contemplated!
I find having goals like this to aim for as a challenge help to keep me focused and disciplined, and create a physical parallel to balance the other more desk oriented work that I do. When I’m running my mind clears, or I think things through, pray even sometimes with music playing softly in the background as a constant ambiance from my Iphone playlist selection.
When I’m running it doesn’t feel so bad being on my own, similarly with cycling. As a creative Empath soul, alone is something I have tended to be quite a lot of my life in one way or another. As an artist, creativity has no finish line, maybe lots of small deadlines to complete projects but no great finale and certainly no medals, so doing something like this in tandem with my musical productions provides me with a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment that so far I have not found in quite the same way through art.
Music has been my running partner from the start. In the earlier events and training all I ever used to listen to was house music, a few years later down the line my selection is now a bit more varied with some other favorites added in there from the 70’s, 80’s and other classic favorites. During this run I particularly remember when TYREE – “ACID OVER” came on around 9K and that giving me a great boost! Going for a run with the right music makes me feel great, especially if there is a bit of sunshine, but even on the colder Autumn and winter days, that crisp fresh air and then coming home to a warm flat and a hot shower feels good to my soul.
Participating in these bigger events allows me to feel like I am here, I matter, I am somebody, a runner, a something, I am a winner in this at least, maybe not in love, not so much in money, or even my music either to any great extent, but at least on these occasions I beat those that said I couldn’t or shouldn’t and I got my medals. I won them all with my valiant courage and determination and nobody can deny that or take that away from me.
As I sit at this harbour in the sun,
Memories of boats, fishing and fun,
My inner child feels at peace here,
My soul connected and the spirit near.
Strangers here smile and say hello,
Talk friendly, no urgent rush to go,
The smell of the fresh sea air,
A gentle breeze blowing through my hair.
Sky blue and clear like my mind,
There’s no place like Maidens I can find.
As I sit here and observe myself and my life now, there is one thing that has remained close to me since the day it was born…HOUSE MUSIC and music in general. My love for house music specifically began in its 80’s roots era when there was a whole mish-mash of new music going about, it was exciting, the music just took me and has held me captive ever since in all its branches. The acid noises, the deep sounds, the message, there was just something about it that spoke to my soul and has done ever since.
Back in those days I was in my early teens, was having difficulties at school from bullying, was having difficulties at home with the similar issues growing up as a blacksheep in the general dynamic of my family and I think house music just gave me a place to escape to where I could survive emotional traumas. It became the friend that was in my ears hooked up to the Sony Walkman in my pocket. I used to feed the cable of my Walkman up my school shirt collar into the ear that my long hair covered and I’d sit in classes with the latest recordings I’d made that week. Artists like, Tyree Cooper, Todd Terry, Roxanne Shante, Monie Love, Adeva, Toni Scott, Turntable Orchestra, A Guy Called Gerald, Simon Harris, Bomb The Bass, Balearic Beats, all the Deep Heat Collection kinda stuff for those that remember the Telstar tape packs.We also had a couple of pirate radio stations I used to record from in Glasgow, the NHS and Radio Mercury that were pumping out the music that they were playing in the raves which in those early years I was not allowed to go to, but as soon as I was old enough I hit the clubs and loved it even more, feeling the full effect of the sound on massive systems.
In 1991 I left my hometown Glasgow at the tender age of 19 and moved to London. It was not long before my ears found the sounds they liked on the FM dials surfing through the pirate stations down there! Like a pied piper this music called me to it and the people that were part of it, and I ended up right in the middle of the London Underground House Scene which later evolved into many other branches that essentially grew from those smaller roots when there was just a circuit of people that were really hardcore participants and dedicated ravers.
It was like a family, it was the closest thing I had to one, being so far from home and a place to be sometimes when the homes that I had to rent were not so great. House music events and venues provided a home away from that, a place with lots of friends, the best music in the universe and lovely dancing people that were much better to be part of.
This scene and those experiences have turned out to be the focus of much of who I am and what I do now today now 400 miles where it all began. Life took me back to my home town after 10 years in London, but my heart always remained firmly grounded in it.
The years I have been back here on this part of my journey have taken me on some deep soul experiences, a lot of solitude, a lot of things to work through and not many people around to help me, so I turned to the thing that was always my best friend and place where I felt love in something, house and garage music.
It has supported me through tough times and in the end become what I live for to a large extent and why I have put all my energy and passion into learning how to build the very music I love and try to get better and better at it. On this journey of house music production and learning as my music output got better, so did I, slowly, like peeling off the layers of an onion, the understanding of self, the search for inner peace, the fight to win battling against depression in a place where you once lived where you no longer feel is so much home, where you are a black sheep again, not the norm, not your typical female, a bit of a now “jockney” (Scottish Cockney), who loves House and Garage music, estranged from family with a lot of re-bonding to try and do, not welcomed back with open arms, just blamed for poor life choices, a jump from a frying pan in London that was hot to another pan that was the same or worse, still no rest, still no place I could call home, and realisation of why I left home all those years ago. Again forced to live in a cold rented room with drafty old windows, sharing a cold bathroom with no bath, doing my best to pass my studies and work a way out of this to a better life. All this time life had always taught me that if you are good to people good things happen, I used to sit and wonder what it was I ever did to deserve this life, I’d always been a giver, tried to help people, it didn’t add up, I didn’t see I had to help myself too. I was sad; sad about loads of things, I just didn’t understand why life had dealt me this lonely card.
I started to read books, and more books trying to understand myself, my life, to try and find a way to break the code, self help, spiritual teaching, philosophies, psychologies etc. and slowly started to gain an understanding of self and more to the point SELF ESTEEM and how if damaged can affect and infect every thread of your life for the good or bad. I studied multimedia and began learning to make music and these abilities gave me creative outlets where my fast moving ideas and emotions could find a place of expression, where I could grow, something I could build as a focus while I endeavoured to rebuild myself.
Finding help or support like professional counselling through doctors etc. was almost impossible, because on the outside I could look fine, and appear fine, they didn’t really take me seriously when I said I was depressed and suffering a heap of emotional and mental trauma brought on by years of having to be strong and suffer at the hands of others who found a target in me. It wasn’t until 2013/14 that after reading a book called “Highly Sensitive People” by Dr. Elaine Aron that was highlighted by Oprah, that I finally felt some real inner peace and that last part of understanding I required to feel ok being me and experiencing life the way I do emotionally and energetically. Suddenly other stuff started to make sense, a further recommendation to the Myers Briggs personality test revealed I am an #INFJ which then also helped another slot machine full of pennies to drop.
Not knowing these things my soul has led me to this place of introversion rather than the more extrovert I was in my early 20’s fueled by brandy & coke, weed and club life. I now sit and make music that reminds me of those times, from my little illusive spot as this avatar DJitalEssence being the creative soul I am, pondering life, trying to find happiness, unsure of the direction to take but knowing the road has to be back dropped by house and garage music and just hoping it will lead me closer to something real again for otherwise it is like I am on an island just living on imagination, hopes and dreams using my creativity to fill the all the voids in my life with music, building my field of dreams (Vital Grooves), hoping they will come…
Deep self realisation, In my mind a conversation. The light and dark shadows understanding why, My inner child finding some space to cry. Sensitive, yes, highly I am, I see and feel things more than most others can. A blessing and a curse at the same time, Often solitude becomes a preference of mine. Like a sponge I can soak up your negativity or drama, You will leave me feeling lighter and calmer. But I will be heavy and drained from your presence, So I must be careful to protect my essence. In art, words and music my life can play out, Emerging from this quiet introversion, my shout. Essence 05/03/2014
…so let me get this straight, I am born, I am a lovely child, I’m confident and shining bright. Because of this I’m targeted by numerous people at various ages and stages till my self esteem is low. Then I go on in life not shining so bright, falling fowl to more abuse but don’t give up the fight…then alone I rebuild myself all the while struggling still with the down trodders trying so hard to win my happiness back. I use music as my rock, my path, I educate myself, I read, I gather the words and knowledge to defend myself and understand the picture I’ve been set in. I wish for love, I find it only far away, out of reach and not without strife. Still alone I hope, in what feels like a trap. I run marathons to win something for my efforts otherwise unrewarded. I accommodate those who hurt me. I give love hoping one day karma will work. I survive, I try but some days it’s hard, and I wonder, I ponder, why was I dealt this card.
After successfully running my first full marathon in Edinburgh, May 2012, I did not feel the huge triumph I expected I would feel when I made it through the finish line. Part of this was probably due to pure exhaustion and dizziness in the heat of the day, the rest was being alone in my endeavour.
I had nobody at the finish line to hug me and jump up and down to congratulate me, I was also a bit disappointed with my time, it was slower than I had hoped but considering the heat was as fast as I could manage at 4hrs 46 mins. Really I should have been happy just to get through the finish line having seen so many casualties along the way, but because of the way I am, quite hard on myself with high expectations and goals, I was truthfully disappointed.
It was a mission to get home after the race. There were buses put on for people from Musselborough finish line back to Edinburgh where I could get the train back home to Glasgow. After drinking some fluids and wandering around in a daze on my own for a while in the heat, not able to sit down or feeling like doing that and feeling a bit queasy, I tried to head toward the way out where we had to walk for 45mins to get the buses, after about 5 mins I just felt too dizzy and sick, so had to walk back and ask someone if there was a toilet nearby, but there wasn’t and I didn’t feel I could walk far, so they gave me a chair and I sat and drank more water and just didn’t move for a bit.
Thinking I was feeling a little better, I made my second attempt to head to the home run and yet again I walked for about 5 mins and had to turn back. I approached one of the stewards at the gate and had to ask for some help to get to the first aid or toilets, he very kindly offered to guide me there and also offered me an arm for some support to walk since I was feeling a bit dizzy. I won’t forget how comforting it was at that point just to have someone’s arm around me; I was feeling very alone after the whole experience watching others on the finish field with friends and partners to take care of them.
While I was running the marathon and on the lead up to it, in my silly romantic imagination I pictured that some of my friends, or someone special would be there at the finish line to surprise me or throw me a party but of course that didn’t happen. There was no one. My mum could have been there but I thought it would be an awful long time for her to hang around so I told her not to worry but on hindsight now I wished I asked her to come. Instead my aftercare was now in the hands of some very young and not very empathetic first aid workers employed by the marathon co-coordinators. I didn’t feel confident or comforted being there, the only benefit was being out of the sun and having a seat to sit on. I changed out of my damp clothes into some dry ones, sat and drank some more water, continued to deal with “the runner’s trots” as best I could and settle my tummy till I eventually felt I could make the journey home.
It was a good 45 minute walk in the hot weather to the bus and I was still not feeling good. I just wanted to get home or somewhere I could be comfy. I tried phoning a friend who lived in Edinburgh but he had gone out of town for the day, so I had no choice, it was the hike to the bus and a train home to Glasgow.
I met fellow runner who was on his own and we chatted most of the walk to the bus which was a great distraction. Finally I sat down, still feeling a bit queasy and made it back to Edinburgh where the bus dropped us another good 20 minute walk from the train station. It seemed relentless now; I just wanted to get home. I met another couple of girls who were also walking that way, and again some banter helped to distract from the walk to the station but these girls had managed to run the marathon closer to the time I had hoped for which made me feel a bit crap again that I had not managed to hit my target.
I had planned to come home and have a good drink and a few other treats to celebrate my success but I was still not feeling 100% so that went out the window. I had a couple of glasses of Baileys and eventually went to bed. I woke early the next morning and went straight to the shop for Immodium, some white bread to make toast and some Lucozade. That was all I could eat all day really, I was feeling shivery and had a good dose of sunstroke I think on top of the fatigue from the marathon. Most of that next day was spent on my own not feeling great, this added to the low feelings I was experiencing.
Part of the problem was that in order to keep focussed, do the training, and avoid potentially negative situations that could affect the success of this goal and others I was working on artistically, I had to put my blinkers on and avoid people and situations that my gut was telling me were not conducive to my growth . So coincidentally I had isolated myself somewhat socially. It was a hard pill to swallow to some degree but it this was the only way I felt I could keep my souls energy in the right place to achieve my goals and keep everything moving. I didn’t have the romantic ending at the finish line I had dreamed of, I didn’t make the time that I had aimed for and I had nobody to celebrate my success of achievement with, it was just me.
I really imagined that there was going to be some surprise for me at the end after all my effort. As the loud speaker announced lost children and people that were trying to find each other, inside I secretly hoped I’d here an announcement for DJitalEssence to come to the stand and that someone was looking for me, but nope, nobody had come to support me. 5,000+ “so called” friends on Facebook and not one of them there to support me, however I was thankful to the few that had sponsored me and sent me kind words of encouragement and congratulations. In truth though at this time I felt very alone and unloved.
This set the precedence for the next few days really, I was feeling pretty low, I wanted to go out and go mad and celebrate but I had nobody to party with, or I was not close enough to the vibes and people I really wanted to party with. I wanted to be in London and see some of my old friends and faces but I was stranded by circumstance where I was for now and just had to keep going.
This circumstance added to my unhappiness and then doubts and other things began to creep into my mind. Doubts about my music, doubts about whether I should bother continuing with it, doubts that anyone even liked what I do or that I was good enough.
I had sacrificed everything over the past few years to heal my soul, to focus on making something of everything I had studied so hard for, believing in a dream because it was all I had to cling to for a long time. I had to know I had given myself the best possible chance of success where my passions lay, so later in life I could never look back in anger and say I wish I had. But now, in this time of reflection, having achieved so much and worked so hard, at the end of this milestone having run my first full marathon all I could feel was emptiness. No friends, no holidays for years, not much money, no boyfriend, no love, nothing but a heap of music, a few medals, certificates of education and a soul that was elevated but quite alone in that space.
It took me a couple of weeks to re-settle myself after this experience. Training for the marathon took me to heights higher than my soul had ever reached before, in the short aftermath, naturally I had to have a bit of a come down, but then as I levelled out again after I found myself in a new place of happiness and contentment that I’d never experienced before. I felt good enough, I felt I had ticked that box and in doing that it had somehow also affected how I felt about other areas of my life’s achievements. I suddenly felt a new sense of freedom, I didn’t feel the same need to set another goal, I didn’t even really care about my music, I had just found some contentment in myself that I had never experienced before. A new sense of me, not feeling I had to DO anything else or show the world anything else to feel successful or worthy.
The whole experience raised the level of my life’s vibration, spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. I’d recommend the challenge to anyone.