Posts Tagged blacksheep

A Work In Progress…

I was born into a reality that made me, for one reason or another, a vibrational match to become a target for abuse in many forms in my life experience. I took on the role of the caretaker, the people pleaser, the healer, the fixer, the co-dependant, the sensitive soul and the black sheep . “Do good and it will come to you” ringing in my head, “treat others as you want to be treated” also, but nobody told me what a boundary was, nobody told me that I also needed care, that my feelings mattered. I didn’t even think I was in need because all I could find around me often were people that did.
I learnt to keep on a brave face regardless of my pain, put up with things and even take the blame on myself as it was often presented to me that way. I thought that by loving them I would be loved in return, that giving them what they needed, doing what they wanted, it would bring me love, and often it just felt like the right thing to do. Little did I know that this was all just a reflection of the care & nurturing I really also needed to learn to give to myself. 
I saw character flaws through rose tinted spectacles and always just thought things would get better, that the red flags were normal, but things just got worse and worse first until one last and final lesson brought me to the depths of my shadow aspects and revealed the deeper truths that allowed me to see the whole picture of the dysfunction I was operating out of and programmed to be in…a cycle that had to be broken, a pattern that had to change, so I had to change. Change my thinking, change the way I saw myself, change my habits, get in touch with my true feelings, my gut, and listen to it, really listen, not just accept the unrest it felt as acceptable and ignore it thinking it wasn’t important. 
A time of solitude was required, the right help was hard to find and because I had not yet healed I was still attracting externally experiences that would just reinforce the negative or trigger my wounds. I just had to chip away at it over the years on my own through books and online resources mainly until the light bulbs began to come on. It was like a grieving process with many layers of hidden pain as I connected with my suppressed emotions and allowed them to come to light, be validated, released and healed. 
Musical creative expression and other outlets became my friend, the place I put my feelings, my rock to cling to, the dream to escape into whilst living in a place of hope and faith for better days. Music was the friend I listened to mostly, found comfort and support in and a companion when there was none else I could be near…
Now, glancing back at a long road, but looking forwards, I am still a work in progress but I have progressed in the process of doing the work.


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Love Lesson

He was supposed to be the one,
A reward at the end of the struggle, her sun,
Instead more pain than love came along,
Empty days, lots of fights, just another sad song.

A soulmate lesson to shake her soul,
A wake up call to make her whole,
Shell shocked to the core by the experience brought,
Ok God, she gets it now, this lesson is taught.

Now can we have a miracle please?
This blacksheep needs love for her pain to ease,
Just one person to really show they care,
Just for once in her life for someone to be there.

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