Posts Tagged Determination
Contemplating as I sit here on the couch under a blanket with cups of ginger/lemon tea, soggy hankies, a runny nose, bit of a cough and generally feeling the aftermath of this year’s running event. Glad at least that on a muscular level it only took 2 days for the worst of the burn to cool down in my legs and reflective of what was behind my motivation for doing this challenge in the first place.
I was unable to run the 2013 event due to ill health in general from chronic stress overload causing all kinds of horrible symptoms and on top of that I somehow managed to develop a Morton’s Neuroma on my left foot, which for the last year or more meant that even walking was painful until at the beginning of August I was given a cortisone injection which greatly helped thankfully!
Prior to this the previous 2 years were a challenging emotional roller coaster ride that ended in a painful crash. Healing from the damage that ensued after that soul wrecking experience was perhaps the deepest and most challenging thing I have had to go through, and I had to do it alone for many reasons that will probably not be understood by many or most. Alone was the only “choice” as many of the people closest to me were not helpful or supportive, and in fact added to the equation of negativity I was trying to solve. Only those healing from virtually a lifetime cloud of narcissistic abusive experiences will truly know the depths that this type of experience brings.
It is a programming pattern puzzle only fully solved when the deepest shadows of the soul are brought to light found by looking deeper into the conditioning and circumstances that caused this to be a vibration I found so often in the first place throughout my life. Once this is understood, the metamorphosis can begin to change future life experiences creating them from a new mould. A new self that knows and understands healthy boundaries, has awareness of the red flags and NPD as whole, a new way of seeing the past which then can heal the present and allows the future to unfold with inner peace never known before. Breaking the co-dependency, the people pleasing syndrome, the seeking for external validation and seeing and understanding the dynamics of the meaning of love in a whole new way. The journey to real self love and acceptance.
The last time I ran this marathon in 2013, my life was in the beginning of a turmoil that would unfold and reach a climax in 2014 and so to run this road again now and complete this distance was a huge sense of a comeback, a proverbial stamp I was putting on myself to say that I had won the battle through the emotional and physical hurdles of the past couple of years and built my strength back to where it was before it was challenged.
Therefore, there was a lot in my mind hanging on my performance for this event. I was aiming and hoping to get close to my PB of just under 2 hours. The training on the run up to the race was sporadic and not my usual full on thing, twice I had to stop training due to first a pulled left calf, out for two weeks and then again my right, out again for another couple of weeks leaving me unsure if I would even be able to train for it. After some advice I changed my training routine and incorporated cycling into the mix which really helped build my core strength up, then I was able to run the distances again and began to build up my miles so at the beginning of September I decided I was going to go for the half marathon and do my best.
It’s always emotional at the start line, especially for me as a sensitive empath soul. I did have to fight back a few tears as we did the warm up with the music booming through the crowds of participants and supporters all cheering and anticipating the 13.2 miles of tarmac ahead. Once through that start line it’s amazing what you tell yourself to keep pressing on. The first 4 miles are usually pretty easy, I ran them at a good pace, the next four a bit more grueling and uphill in parts, then the next 4 miles you know you are over the halfway mark and on the home straight to some extent but this is when it gets serious and you can see some stopping to walk and hear the tiredness in the pants and puffs of those running alongside, by that time the supporters cheers are even getting tired! Reaching the crowds on the home straight is always a great feeling, you know you’re practically there, so I pushed to try to scrape a few extra minutes off the race time and then threw a fist in the air as I thankfully crossed the finish line.
Running has been something that has given me a sense of purpose, triumph, fulfillment, accomplishment and pride over these past few years since I started in 2008 with my first 5K Race For Life I built up to 10K’s, then half marathons and managed my first full one in 2012, another one being contemplated!
I find having goals like this to aim for as a challenge help to keep me focused and disciplined, and create a physical parallel to balance the other more desk oriented work that I do. When I’m running my mind clears, or I think things through, pray even sometimes with music playing softly in the background as a constant ambiance from my Iphone playlist selection.
When I’m running it doesn’t feel so bad being on my own, similarly with cycling. As a creative Empath soul, alone is something I have tended to be quite a lot of my life in one way or another. As an artist, creativity has no finish line, maybe lots of small deadlines to complete projects but no great finale and certainly no medals, so doing something like this in tandem with my musical productions provides me with a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment that so far I have not found in quite the same way through art.
Music has been my running partner from the start. In the earlier events and training all I ever used to listen to was house music, a few years later down the line my selection is now a bit more varied with some other favorites added in there from the 70’s, 80’s and other classic favorites. During this run I particularly remember when TYREE – “ACID OVER” came on around 9K and that giving me a great boost! Going for a run with the right music makes me feel great, especially if there is a bit of sunshine, but even on the colder Autumn and winter days, that crisp fresh air and then coming home to a warm flat and a hot shower feels good to my soul.
Participating in these bigger events allows me to feel like I am here, I matter, I am somebody, a runner, a something, I am a winner in this at least, maybe not in love, not so much in money, or even my music either to any great extent, but at least on these occasions I beat those that said I couldn’t or shouldn’t and I got my medals. I won them all with my valiant courage and determination and nobody can deny that or take that away from me.
As someone who has goals, who works highly independently and is currently juggling time and money to build a business single handedly as well as training for my first marathon I have no real time for fun, as defined by most people.
During my younger years in life I opted for fun and was pretty good at it! Now I choose to put all my energy into the things that I see as my priorities meanwhile leaving out most aspects of play as a matter of choice and necessity to sustain my life and the energy required to be able to work towards the bigger picture.
In my current position I am the sole producer of all creative output and business aspects of building my creative enterprise. I have to juggle a variety of tasks, from producing music, writing tracks, mastering them, designing graphics, social networking and online promotions, website design and then all the business aspects of being self employed, book keeping, thinking, planning, being dynamic in a fast changing media environment, learning all there is to know about the areas of business I am going into, registering with and updating all online spaces, working out new operations and software applications and heap of other things that get added to my list of things to do.
I do all this because I am too far down the road to go back, I do this for love and passion, I do this with faith and hope that this process will lead me to where I want to be. Where is that you may ask, and I too have to ask myself the same question, where do I want all this to go, why am I doing it, what are my ultimate goals and what do I wish to achieve from all this work for little or no pay as yet.
I am the same as any artist I guess in that department, I am hoping that somewhere along this road, somebody will recognise what I do as worthy of their endorsement and allow me to make a living from it that will be enough to better sustain me and allow me to do the things I really want to do with my life, the play that I hope to have one day.
They say in life we need to have balance, that all work and no play makes you dull. I can be far dull from previous experience, but in order to do what I am doing right now there simply is no other way to do things other than to lock off certain aspects of my “fun” in life otherwise something more important suffers. There is only one of me and I must divide my time and energy into the aspects that best serve what I percieve to be my route to success.
I often sit alone in the hours I do have as my own personal leisure time, these hours are often at the end of a long ass day and by that time I do not have the energy for much other than staring at the TV before heading to bed. I get invited to nights out, but I choose to decline these because my resources must be spent just maintaining what I am and my life. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing the right thing, it gets tempting to chuck it all in and just go out and not give a damn like most people, get drunk, have fun instead of working hard, training for marathons and doing all these things that prevent me from having large amounts of “play” time.
The last few years have been a hard slog. I have been on an emotional journey, a spiritual journey, an educational journey, an artistic journey, a creative journey, and educational journey, a phyiscal journey, a mental journey, a journey that has tested so many aspects of me, my strength and my will to carry on…there have been times I have have been tripped up and fallen, but I have got back up and carried on with my own motivation, not with someone pulling me along or pushing me, only myself. As an artist and a dreamer I am often best left in my clouds of imagination and dreams for some of the other things that could fulfill my life, as in reality they rarely bring the beautiful feelings and love I hope for.
Some say I am too hard on myself, but I just see the standards I want to attain, and if I can see I am not there yet then I still have work to do, I want to be as good at the people I aspire to be and until then, I may be a bit “dull” and have less fun. This path of attainment is what gives my life vitality, purpose and meaning, it may not fulfill all aspects of my happiness, it may be misunderstood or appear dull to others but essentially it’s what keeps me happy most of the time, which is the main objective after struggling many a time to feel that way about this thing called life…