Posts Tagged experience

Possible Dreams

The personification of everything she loves, her music in the flesh, a body that feels like home to hold, lying next to him as he sleeps in her awakened state of surreal reality. 

A kiss in a dream blurred into experience, that chemistry she imagined now felt. Lips that gently beckon her into pleasure, a soft touch that makes her melt. 

Wonders with no expectation, what will be will be. There’s always dreams though, possible visions to see. 


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Munro Bagging 6 & 7 – Mayar & Driesch, Glen Clova (12/03/17)

Summit pic

Summit Driesch No.7. Bagged!


View Vlog of the day here >>>

Another team escapade to the hills, snow melting, slightly milder weather and a long drive headed by our kind transporter for these Munro Missions, Jim. We arrived at a nice opening in the middle of the mountains with a cafe and toilets! Oooooh the luxury of such a great thing both before and after long walks is a blessing! It is often the case that we are caught short in the middle of nowhere and just have to go back to nature!

Beginning this hike through forest paths and then into the beautiful sight of the Corrie Fee, and immense view of the whole panorama of hills from the edge of the forest. No rain thankfully and not too cold, certainly not icy cold anyway, and as soon as the walking begins it is not long before we all get to hot and layers have to be opened or removed as required to be comfortable.

Nothing too hazardous on this walk UNTIL we got to the top part of the waterfall next to the huge gorge and a very slim and icy section that had to be crossed to follow the route up the mountain. At this point I felt the fear, one glance looking down my stomach went, quickly turning away focusing on anything that was not scary and taking a few breaths while I tried to get my guts together! Jim was over the other side looking dependable encouraging and directing me the safe steps to take, I couldn’t chicken out and go home, although for a split second this was something that came to mind! LOL! So, I focused and went for the move, yes, I made it to the other side and my friend Grace, I think, equally crapping herself soon followed! Phew, that had to be the most scary section on the hills I had come across yet! A great feeling of brave accomplishment along with relief to be over that bit and we were off on the rest of the climb up these mountains.

The rest of the walk to Mayar was fairly straightforward, weather was coming and going a bit around us, but visibility was thankfully still reasonable so when we got to the summit we were able to enjoy views for miles around. There was a group of highly experienced looking walkers at the top looking like they had stopped there for a long lunch and a good old natter, many of them most definitely in retiree age, which is most inspiring to see! They soon headed off and disappeared very quickly into the distance as they headed for next summit.

We had our lunch refuel snacks and soon followed the same direction but by the time we got anywhere near the summit they were long gone! The old skools must have been setting quite a pace! Anyway, still reasonable clear weather, a few clouds threatening to put a dampener on the day but thankfully we made it to the next bag still dry and that was numbers 6 & 7 now covered!

The decent, due to there still being snow on the path was a little nervy for us girls, as my friend was still nursing her wrist injury recovery and I was just scared of doing any more unplanned Torvel and Dean impressions like I had done on Ben Lomond! Not only that, this path was on the gradient of the hill and on the right there was a steep drop in sections that was best just not to look at I found, just again focusing on the footsteps and path in front of me, as I got that vertigo feeling in my tummy if I looked down!

Boy was I glad to see the end of that path, I had my mini spikes on but that kind of walking is more tiring because it requires much more concentration, or at least I preferred as a learner hiker to take it slow and steady to do my best to avoid injury. It has been said to me by many that most accidents happen on the decent on a hill, when legs are more tired, mind too and often over confidence on the way down or going faster to get home quicker.

And so it was the end of another great day of adventure way up in the mountains of Scotland, places I had never been before, new heights and sights all around. I had well and truly got the bagging bug back again, this hill-walking thing, the fresh air, the natural energy around and generated by the exercise was very moreish.

There would be more that is for sure…where to next???

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Post marathon blues to new heights

After successfully running my first full marathon in Edinburgh, May 2012, I did not feel the huge triumph I expected I would feel when I made it through the finish line. Part of this was probably due to pure exhaustion and dizziness in the heat of the day, the rest was being alone in my endeavour.

I had nobody at the finish line to hug me and jump up and down to congratulate me, I was also a bit disappointed with my time, it was slower than I had hoped but considering the heat was as fast as I could manage at 4hrs 46 mins. Really I should have been happy just to get through the finish line having seen so many casualties along the way, but because of the way I am, quite hard on myself with high expectations and goals, I was truthfully disappointed.

It was a mission to get home after the race. There were buses put on for people from Musselborough finish line back to Edinburgh where I could get the train back home to Glasgow. After drinking some fluids and wandering around in a daze on my own for a while in the heat, not able to sit down or feeling like doing that and feeling a bit queasy, I tried to head toward the way out where we had to walk for 45mins to get the buses, after about 5 mins I just felt too dizzy and sick, so had to walk back and ask someone if there was a toilet nearby, but there wasn’t and I didn’t feel I could walk far, so they gave me a chair and I sat and drank more water and just didn’t move for a bit.

Thinking I was feeling a little better, I made my second attempt to head to the home run and yet again I walked for about 5 mins and had to turn back. I approached one of the stewards at the gate and had to ask for some help to get to the first aid or toilets, he very kindly offered to guide me there and also offered me an arm for some support to walk since I was feeling a bit dizzy. I won’t forget how comforting it was at that point just to have someone’s arm around me; I was feeling very alone after the whole experience watching others on the finish field with friends and partners to take care of them.

While I was running the marathon and on the lead up to it, in my silly romantic imagination I pictured that some of my friends, or someone special would be there at the finish line to surprise me or throw me a party but of course that didn’t happen. There was no one. My mum could have been there but I thought it would be an awful long time for her to hang around so I told her not to worry but on hindsight now I wished I asked her to come. Instead my aftercare was now in the hands of some very young and not very empathetic first aid workers employed by the marathon co-coordinators. I didn’t feel confident or comforted being there, the only benefit was being out of the sun and having a seat to sit on. I changed out of my damp clothes into some dry ones, sat and drank some more water, continued to deal with “the runner’s trots” as best I could and settle my tummy till I eventually felt I could make the journey home.

It was a good 45 minute walk in the hot weather to the bus and I was still not feeling good. I just wanted to get home or somewhere I could be comfy. I tried phoning a friend who lived in Edinburgh but he had gone out of town for the day, so I had no choice, it was the hike to the bus and a train home to Glasgow.

I met fellow runner who was on his own and we chatted most of the walk to the bus which was a great distraction. Finally I sat down, still feeling a bit queasy and made it back to Edinburgh where the bus dropped us another good 20 minute walk from the train station. It seemed relentless now; I just wanted to get home. I met another couple of girls who were also walking that way, and again some banter helped to distract from the walk to the station but these girls had managed to run the marathon closer to the time I had hoped for which made me feel a bit crap again that I had not managed to hit my target.

I had planned to come home and have a good drink and a few other treats to celebrate my success but I was still not feeling 100% so that went out the window. I had a couple of glasses of Baileys and eventually went to bed. I woke early the next morning and went straight to the shop for Immodium, some white bread to make toast and some Lucozade. That was all I could eat all day really, I was feeling shivery and had a good dose of sunstroke I think on top of the fatigue from the marathon. Most of that next day was spent on my own not feeling great, this added to the low feelings I was experiencing.

Part of the problem was that in order to keep focussed, do the training, and avoid potentially negative situations that could affect the success of this goal and others I was working on artistically, I had to put my blinkers on and avoid people and situations that my gut was telling me were not conducive to my growth . So coincidentally I had isolated myself somewhat socially. It was a hard pill to swallow to some degree but it this was the only way I felt I could keep my souls energy in the right place to achieve my goals and keep everything moving. I didn’t have the romantic ending at the finish line I had dreamed of, I didn’t make the time that I had aimed for and I had nobody to celebrate my success of achievement with, it was just me.

I really imagined that there was going to be some surprise for me at the end after all my effort. As the loud speaker announced lost children and people that were trying to find each other, inside I secretly hoped I’d here an announcement for DJitalEssence to come to the stand and that someone was looking for me, but nope, nobody had come to support me. 5,000+ “so called” friends on Facebook and not one of them there to support me, however I was thankful to the few that had sponsored me and sent me kind words of encouragement and congratulations. In truth though at this time I felt very alone and unloved.

This set the precedence for the next few days really, I was feeling pretty low, I wanted to go out and go mad and celebrate but I had nobody to party with, or I was not close enough to the vibes and people I really wanted to party with. I wanted to be in London and see some of my old friends and faces but I was stranded by circumstance where I was for now and just had to keep going.

This circumstance added to my unhappiness and then doubts and other things began to creep into my mind. Doubts about my music, doubts about whether I should bother continuing with it, doubts that anyone even liked what I do or that I was good enough.

I had sacrificed everything over the past few years to heal my soul, to focus on making something of everything I had studied so hard for, believing in a dream because it was all I had to cling to for a long time. I had to know I had given myself the best possible chance of success where my passions lay, so later in life I could never look back in anger and say I wish I had. But now, in this time of reflection, having achieved so much and worked so hard, at the end of this milestone having run my first full marathon all I could feel was emptiness. No friends, no holidays for years, not much money, no boyfriend, no love, nothing but a heap of music, a few medals, certificates of education and a soul that was elevated but quite alone in that space.

It took me a couple of weeks to re-settle myself after this experience. Training for the marathon took me to heights higher than my soul had ever reached before, in the short aftermath, naturally I had to have a bit of a come down, but then as I levelled out again after I found myself in a new place of happiness and contentment that I’d never experienced before. I felt good enough, I felt I had ticked that box and in doing that it had somehow also affected how I felt about other areas of my life’s achievements. I suddenly felt a new sense of freedom, I didn’t feel the same need to set another goal, I didn’t even really care about my music, I had just found some contentment in myself that I had never experienced before. A new sense of me, not feeling I had to DO anything else or show the world anything else to feel successful or worthy.

The whole experience raised the level of my life’s vibration, spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. I’d recommend the challenge to anyone.

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