Posts Tagged HSP

Too Many Maybe’s

Too many maybe’s, the fire is well and truly out, a memory almost gone, you covered it in doubt. Hopes risen to disappointment with your mind changes and excuses, the only result now is you lose this. 

I’m not sharing anymore of my understanding, you are not commanding this one way street. I walk away, nothing more to say, we shared one lovely day, a dream that was seeded, now fading like the past, no longer needed. 

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A Work In Progress…

I was born into a reality that made me, for one reason or another, a vibrational match to become a target for abuse in many forms in my life experience. I took on the role of the caretaker, the people pleaser, the healer, the fixer, the co-dependant, the sensitive soul and the black sheep . “Do good and it will come to you” ringing in my head, “treat others as you want to be treated” also, but nobody told me what a boundary was, nobody told me that I also needed care, that my feelings mattered. I didn’t even think I was in need because all I could find around me often were people that did.
I learnt to keep on a brave face regardless of my pain, put up with things and even take the blame on myself as it was often presented to me that way. I thought that by loving them I would be loved in return, that giving them what they needed, doing what they wanted, it would bring me love, and often it just felt like the right thing to do. Little did I know that this was all just a reflection of the care & nurturing I really also needed to learn to give to myself. 
I saw character flaws through rose tinted spectacles and always just thought things would get better, that the red flags were normal, but things just got worse and worse first until one last and final lesson brought me to the depths of my shadow aspects and revealed the deeper truths that allowed me to see the whole picture of the dysfunction I was operating out of and programmed to be in…a cycle that had to be broken, a pattern that had to change, so I had to change. Change my thinking, change the way I saw myself, change my habits, get in touch with my true feelings, my gut, and listen to it, really listen, not just accept the unrest it felt as acceptable and ignore it thinking it wasn’t important. 
A time of solitude was required, the right help was hard to find and because I had not yet healed I was still attracting externally experiences that would just reinforce the negative or trigger my wounds. I just had to chip away at it over the years on my own through books and online resources mainly until the light bulbs began to come on. It was like a grieving process with many layers of hidden pain as I connected with my suppressed emotions and allowed them to come to light, be validated, released and healed. 
Musical creative expression and other outlets became my friend, the place I put my feelings, my rock to cling to, the dream to escape into whilst living in a place of hope and faith for better days. Music was the friend I listened to mostly, found comfort and support in and a companion when there was none else I could be near…
Now, glancing back at a long road, but looking forwards, I am still a work in progress but I have progressed in the process of doing the work.

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Why I run…thoughts after my Great Scottish Run Half Marathon 2015.

Contemplating as I sit here on the couch under a blanket with cups of ginger/lemon tea, soggy hankies, a runny nose, bit of a cough and generally feeling the aftermath of this year’s running event. Glad at least that on a muscular level it only took 2 days for the worst of the burn to cool down in my legs and reflective of what was behind my motivation for doing this challenge in the first place.

I was unable to run the 2013 event due to ill health in general from chronic stress overload causing all kinds of horrible symptoms and on top of that I somehow managed to develop a Morton’s Neuroma on my left foot, which for the last year or more meant that even walking was painful until at the beginning of August I was given a cortisone injection which greatly helped thankfully!

Prior to this the previous 2 years were a challenging emotional roller coaster ride that ended in a painful crash. Healing from the damage that ensued after that soul wrecking experience was perhaps the deepest and most challenging thing I have had to go through, and I had to do it alone for many reasons that will probably not be understood by many or most. Alone was the only “choice” as many of the people closest to me were not helpful or supportive, and in fact added to the equation of negativity I was trying to solve. Only those healing from virtually a lifetime cloud of narcissistic abusive experiences will truly know the depths that this type of experience brings.
It is a programming pattern puzzle only fully solved when the deepest shadows of the soul are brought to light found by looking deeper into the conditioning and circumstances that caused this to be a vibration I found so often in the first place throughout my life. Once this is understood, the metamorphosis can begin to change future life experiences creating them from a new mould. A new self that knows and understands healthy boundaries, has awareness of the red flags and NPD as whole, a new way of seeing the past which then can heal the present and allows the future to unfold with inner peace never known before. Breaking the co-dependency, the people pleasing syndrome, the seeking for external validation and seeing and understanding the dynamics of the meaning of love in a whole new way. The journey to real self love and acceptance.

The last time I ran this marathon in 2013, my life was in the beginning of a turmoil that would unfold and reach a climax in 2014 and so to run this road again now and complete this distance was a huge sense of a comeback, a proverbial stamp I was putting on myself to say that I had won the battle through the emotional and physical hurdles of the past couple of years and built my strength back to where it was before it was challenged.

Therefore, there was a lot in my mind hanging on my performance for this event. I was aiming and hoping to get close to my PB of just under 2 hours. The training on the run up to the race was sporadic and not my usual full on thing, twice I had to stop training due to first a pulled left calf, out for two weeks and then again my right, out again for another couple of weeks leaving me unsure if I would even be able to train for it. After some advice I changed my training routine and incorporated cycling into the mix which really helped build my core strength up, then I was able to run the distances again and began to build up my miles so at the beginning of September I decided I was going to go for the half marathon and do my best.

IMG_5782It’s always emotional at the start line, especially for me as a sensitive empath soul. I did have to fight back a few tears as we did the warm up with the music booming through the crowds of participants and supporters all cheering and anticipating the 13.2 miles of tarmac ahead. Once through that start line it’s amazing what you tell yourself to keep pressing on. The first 4 miles are usually pretty easy, I ran them at a good pace, the next four a bit more grueling and uphill in parts, then the next 4 miles you know you are over the halfway mark and on the home straight to some extent but this is when it gets serious and you can see some stopping to walk and hear the tiredness in the pants and puffs of those running alongside, by that time the supporters cheers are even getting tired! Reaching the crowds on the home straight is always a great feeling, you know you’re practically there, so I pushed to try to scrape a few extra minutes off the race time and then threw a fist in the air as I thankfully crossed the finish line.

IMG_5796 (2)Running has been something that has given me a sense of purpose, triumph, fulfillment, accomplishment and pride over these past few years since I started in 2008 with my first 5K Race For Life I built up to 10K’s, then half marathons and managed my first full one in 2012, another one being contemplated! 

I find having goals like this to aim for as a challenge help to keep me focused and disciplined, and create a physical parallel to balance the other more desk oriented work that I do. When I’m running my mind clears, or I think things through, pray even sometimes with music playing softly in the background as a constant ambiance from my Iphone playlist selection.

When I’m running it doesn’t feel so bad being on my own, similarly with cycling. As a creative Empath soul, alone is something I have tended to be quite a lot of my life in one way or another. As an artist, creativity has no finish line, maybe lots of small deadlines to complete projects but no great finale and certainly no medals, so doing something like this in tandem with my musical productions provides me with a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment that so far I have not found in quite the same way through art.

Music has been my running partner from the start. In the earlier events and training all I ever used to listen to was house music, a few years later down the line my selection is now a bit more varied with some other favorites added in there from the 70’s, 80’s and other classic favorites. During this run I particularly remember when TYREE – “ACID OVER” came on around 9K and that giving me a great boost!  Going for a run with the right music makes me feel great, especially if there is a bit of sunshine, but even on the colder Autumn and winter days, that crisp fresh air and then coming home to a warm flat and a hot shower feels good to my soul.

Participating in these bigger events allows me to feel like I am here, I matter, I am somebody, a runner, a something, I am a winner in this at least, maybe not in love, not so much in money, or even my music either to any great extent, but at least on these occasions I beat those that said I couldn’t or shouldn’t and I got my medals. I won them all with my valiant courage and determination and nobody can deny that or take that away from me.
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Dark Shadows

shadow

Deep self realisation,
In my mind a conversation.
The light and dark shadows understanding why,
My inner child finding some space to cry.

Sensitive, yes, highly I am,
I see and feel things more than most others can.
A blessing and a curse at the same time,
Often solitude becomes a preference of mine.

Like a sponge I can soak up your negativity or drama,
You will leave me feeling lighter and calmer.
But I will be heavy and drained from your presence,
So I must be careful to protect my essence.

In art, words and music my life can play out,
Emerging from this quiet introversion, my shout.

Essence 05/03/2014

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