Posts Tagged spiritual growth
I was born into a reality that made me, for one reason or another, a vibrational match to become a target for abuse in many forms in my life experience. I took on the role of the caretaker, the people pleaser, the healer, the fixer, the co-dependant, the sensitive soul and the black sheep . “Do good and it will come to you” ringing in my head, “treat others as you want to be treated” also, but nobody told me what a boundary was, nobody told me that I also needed care, that my feelings mattered. I didn’t even think I was in need because all I could find around me often were people that did.
I learnt to keep on a brave face regardless of my pain, put up with things and even take the blame on myself as it was often presented to me that way. I thought that by loving them I would be loved in return, that giving them what they needed, doing what they wanted, it would bring me love, and often it just felt like the right thing to do. Little did I know that this was all just a reflection of the care & nurturing I really also needed to learn to give to myself.
I saw character flaws through rose tinted spectacles and always just thought things would get better, that the red flags were normal, but things just got worse and worse first until one last and final lesson brought me to the depths of my shadow aspects and revealed the deeper truths that allowed me to see the whole picture of the dysfunction I was operating out of and programmed to be in…a cycle that had to be broken, a pattern that had to change, so I had to change. Change my thinking, change the way I saw myself, change my habits, get in touch with my true feelings, my gut, and listen to it, really listen, not just accept the unrest it felt as acceptable and ignore it thinking it wasn’t important.
A time of solitude was required, the right help was hard to find and because I had not yet healed I was still attracting externally experiences that would just reinforce the negative or trigger my wounds. I just had to chip away at it over the years on my own through books and online resources mainly until the light bulbs began to come on. It was like a grieving process with many layers of hidden pain as I connected with my suppressed emotions and allowed them to come to light, be validated, released and healed.
Musical creative expression and other outlets became my friend, the place I put my feelings, my rock to cling to, the dream to escape into whilst living in a place of hope and faith for better days. Music was the friend I listened to mostly, found comfort and support in and a companion when there was none else I could be near…
Now, glancing back at a long road, but looking forwards, I am still a work in progress but I have progressed in the process of doing the work.
After successfully running my first full marathon in Edinburgh, May 2012, I did not feel the huge triumph I expected I would feel when I made it through the finish line. Part of this was probably due to pure exhaustion and dizziness in the heat of the day, the rest was being alone in my endeavour.
I had nobody at the finish line to hug me and jump up and down to congratulate me, I was also a bit disappointed with my time, it was slower than I had hoped but considering the heat was as fast as I could manage at 4hrs 46 mins. Really I should have been happy just to get through the finish line having seen so many casualties along the way, but because of the way I am, quite hard on myself with high expectations and goals, I was truthfully disappointed.
It was a mission to get home after the race. There were buses put on for people from Musselborough finish line back to Edinburgh where I could get the train back home to Glasgow. After drinking some fluids and wandering around in a daze on my own for a while in the heat, not able to sit down or feeling like doing that and feeling a bit queasy, I tried to head toward the way out where we had to walk for 45mins to get the buses, after about 5 mins I just felt too dizzy and sick, so had to walk back and ask someone if there was a toilet nearby, but there wasn’t and I didn’t feel I could walk far, so they gave me a chair and I sat and drank more water and just didn’t move for a bit.
Thinking I was feeling a little better, I made my second attempt to head to the home run and yet again I walked for about 5 mins and had to turn back. I approached one of the stewards at the gate and had to ask for some help to get to the first aid or toilets, he very kindly offered to guide me there and also offered me an arm for some support to walk since I was feeling a bit dizzy. I won’t forget how comforting it was at that point just to have someone’s arm around me; I was feeling very alone after the whole experience watching others on the finish field with friends and partners to take care of them.
While I was running the marathon and on the lead up to it, in my silly romantic imagination I pictured that some of my friends, or someone special would be there at the finish line to surprise me or throw me a party but of course that didn’t happen. There was no one. My mum could have been there but I thought it would be an awful long time for her to hang around so I told her not to worry but on hindsight now I wished I asked her to come. Instead my aftercare was now in the hands of some very young and not very empathetic first aid workers employed by the marathon co-coordinators. I didn’t feel confident or comforted being there, the only benefit was being out of the sun and having a seat to sit on. I changed out of my damp clothes into some dry ones, sat and drank some more water, continued to deal with “the runner’s trots” as best I could and settle my tummy till I eventually felt I could make the journey home.
It was a good 45 minute walk in the hot weather to the bus and I was still not feeling good. I just wanted to get home or somewhere I could be comfy. I tried phoning a friend who lived in Edinburgh but he had gone out of town for the day, so I had no choice, it was the hike to the bus and a train home to Glasgow.
I met fellow runner who was on his own and we chatted most of the walk to the bus which was a great distraction. Finally I sat down, still feeling a bit queasy and made it back to Edinburgh where the bus dropped us another good 20 minute walk from the train station. It seemed relentless now; I just wanted to get home. I met another couple of girls who were also walking that way, and again some banter helped to distract from the walk to the station but these girls had managed to run the marathon closer to the time I had hoped for which made me feel a bit crap again that I had not managed to hit my target.
I had planned to come home and have a good drink and a few other treats to celebrate my success but I was still not feeling 100% so that went out the window. I had a couple of glasses of Baileys and eventually went to bed. I woke early the next morning and went straight to the shop for Immodium, some white bread to make toast and some Lucozade. That was all I could eat all day really, I was feeling shivery and had a good dose of sunstroke I think on top of the fatigue from the marathon. Most of that next day was spent on my own not feeling great, this added to the low feelings I was experiencing.
Part of the problem was that in order to keep focussed, do the training, and avoid potentially negative situations that could affect the success of this goal and others I was working on artistically, I had to put my blinkers on and avoid people and situations that my gut was telling me were not conducive to my growth . So coincidentally I had isolated myself somewhat socially. It was a hard pill to swallow to some degree but it this was the only way I felt I could keep my souls energy in the right place to achieve my goals and keep everything moving. I didn’t have the romantic ending at the finish line I had dreamed of, I didn’t make the time that I had aimed for and I had nobody to celebrate my success of achievement with, it was just me.
I really imagined that there was going to be some surprise for me at the end after all my effort. As the loud speaker announced lost children and people that were trying to find each other, inside I secretly hoped I’d here an announcement for DJitalEssence to come to the stand and that someone was looking for me, but nope, nobody had come to support me. 5,000+ “so called” friends on Facebook and not one of them there to support me, however I was thankful to the few that had sponsored me and sent me kind words of encouragement and congratulations. In truth though at this time I felt very alone and unloved.
This set the precedence for the next few days really, I was feeling pretty low, I wanted to go out and go mad and celebrate but I had nobody to party with, or I was not close enough to the vibes and people I really wanted to party with. I wanted to be in London and see some of my old friends and faces but I was stranded by circumstance where I was for now and just had to keep going.
This circumstance added to my unhappiness and then doubts and other things began to creep into my mind. Doubts about my music, doubts about whether I should bother continuing with it, doubts that anyone even liked what I do or that I was good enough.
I had sacrificed everything over the past few years to heal my soul, to focus on making something of everything I had studied so hard for, believing in a dream because it was all I had to cling to for a long time. I had to know I had given myself the best possible chance of success where my passions lay, so later in life I could never look back in anger and say I wish I had. But now, in this time of reflection, having achieved so much and worked so hard, at the end of this milestone having run my first full marathon all I could feel was emptiness. No friends, no holidays for years, not much money, no boyfriend, no love, nothing but a heap of music, a few medals, certificates of education and a soul that was elevated but quite alone in that space.
It took me a couple of weeks to re-settle myself after this experience. Training for the marathon took me to heights higher than my soul had ever reached before, in the short aftermath, naturally I had to have a bit of a come down, but then as I levelled out again after I found myself in a new place of happiness and contentment that I’d never experienced before. I felt good enough, I felt I had ticked that box and in doing that it had somehow also affected how I felt about other areas of my life’s achievements. I suddenly felt a new sense of freedom, I didn’t feel the same need to set another goal, I didn’t even really care about my music, I had just found some contentment in myself that I had never experienced before. A new sense of me, not feeling I had to DO anything else or show the world anything else to feel successful or worthy.
The whole experience raised the level of my life’s vibration, spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. I’d recommend the challenge to anyone.
When I look back over the years of my life, I see a pattern evolving of a woman that has spent a lot of time on her own for one reason or another. There were times and days when I wasn’t in so much solitude in a physical sense, but in between these, like many I came home to an empty space to dwell. This used to cause me to want to go back out to be away from that lonely space, but now I often choose to remain in my solitude.
My solitude is now a calm place that I have spent years trying to find, where I am happy and at peace and can just be. I have learnt not to need people but that does not mean that I do not desire to have them in my life. For me to allow other people into my life and time now I am at a stage where I am highly cautious. After spending so many years having all the positive energy I exuded drained from me by negative people and situations till I was so lacking in energy, depressed and a shadow of my former self, I have learnt to be selfish and self sufficient.
I have, after a long time of searching and hoping and trying and struggling, found my happy place to the largest extent I’ve ever experienced yet in my life, and this is maintained and created by me. I have tested the waters and stepped out into some other experiences and people outside of this space and largely found that those people and experiences have little to add to my current position of growth and learning in my life’s journey. Instead of being uplifted, they have sadly served to dissapoint or hurt my soul. False people with false promises, haters with envious aura’s I can feel even if they do not say a word, lost souls or devils in disguise that come like wolves in sheeps clothing.
It takes a once lost soul to know a lost soul to a large extent, when we are in the forest we cannot see the trees, I could not see them when I was in it, I did not know how far away from outside the forest I was until I began my journey, and it is only with hindsight I can look back and see where I was at, and also recognise others that are there. It is not my job to try to fix them or guide them, they will, just as I did, find their path out the forest if and when they are ready, but now that I am out of the forest, away from those darker places, I prefer to stay in the light and surround myself with people that too are living in the light.
They say forgive them father for they know now what they do, and much as I can do that, this does not mean that I have to be around those who have not found conciousness in their ways of living so that they do know what they do. Instead I prefer to be around and spend time with those who are awake, concious, who think, who do, who elevate, who bring me joy, who encourage, who know themselves.
At this time in my life, I largely rather just be me, myself and I, in a state of, to a large extent, solitude, where I may quietly crave for more love, more companionship and more real friends I can share great experiences with.
I fill my spare time with creative work and building a dream that I hope will lead to the fruition of my desires coming into my life’s experience. I am an artist, and artists can spend a lot of time on their own with their visions and dreams. Being me, myself and I can have it’s lonely moments, can cause me to wonder if I am missing out on things by not joining with certain activities that others may entertain, but previous experience has taught me what serves my greater purpose and experience in life.
I have to put my faith in this process of my life and believe that this current experience and the choices I am making are the right ones. I have to trust that even if I am not part of the crowds and on my own little path most of the time that it will lead me to where I want to be. To some extent this path has already proved to be a good one in leading me to this happier calm place in my soul. The next steps will hopefully now bring the rest of my hearts desires. Until then it’s largely just me, myself and I, inspiration, creativity, expression, hopes and dreams.