Posts Tagged thoughts
Too many maybe’s, the fire is well and truly out, a memory almost gone, you covered it in doubt. Hopes risen to disappointment with your mind changes and excuses, the only result now is you lose this.
I’m not sharing anymore of my understanding, you are not commanding this one way street. I walk away, nothing more to say, we shared one lovely day, a dream that was seeded, now fading like the past, no longer needed.
When I look back over the years of my life, I see a pattern evolving of a woman that has spent a lot of time on her own for one reason or another. There were times and days when I wasn’t in so much solitude in a physical sense, but in between these, like many I came home to an empty space to dwell. This used to cause me to want to go back out to be away from that lonely space, but now I often choose to remain in my solitude.
My solitude is now a calm place that I have spent years trying to find, where I am happy and at peace and can just be. I have learnt not to need people but that does not mean that I do not desire to have them in my life. For me to allow other people into my life and time now I am at a stage where I am highly cautious. After spending so many years having all the positive energy I exuded drained from me by negative people and situations till I was so lacking in energy, depressed and a shadow of my former self, I have learnt to be selfish and self sufficient.
I have, after a long time of searching and hoping and trying and struggling, found my happy place to the largest extent I’ve ever experienced yet in my life, and this is maintained and created by me. I have tested the waters and stepped out into some other experiences and people outside of this space and largely found that those people and experiences have little to add to my current position of growth and learning in my life’s journey. Instead of being uplifted, they have sadly served to dissapoint or hurt my soul. False people with false promises, haters with envious aura’s I can feel even if they do not say a word, lost souls or devils in disguise that come like wolves in sheeps clothing.
It takes a once lost soul to know a lost soul to a large extent, when we are in the forest we cannot see the trees, I could not see them when I was in it, I did not know how far away from outside the forest I was until I began my journey, and it is only with hindsight I can look back and see where I was at, and also recognise others that are there. It is not my job to try to fix them or guide them, they will, just as I did, find their path out the forest if and when they are ready, but now that I am out of the forest, away from those darker places, I prefer to stay in the light and surround myself with people that too are living in the light.
They say forgive them father for they know now what they do, and much as I can do that, this does not mean that I have to be around those who have not found conciousness in their ways of living so that they do know what they do. Instead I prefer to be around and spend time with those who are awake, concious, who think, who do, who elevate, who bring me joy, who encourage, who know themselves.
At this time in my life, I largely rather just be me, myself and I, in a state of, to a large extent, solitude, where I may quietly crave for more love, more companionship and more real friends I can share great experiences with.
I fill my spare time with creative work and building a dream that I hope will lead to the fruition of my desires coming into my life’s experience. I am an artist, and artists can spend a lot of time on their own with their visions and dreams. Being me, myself and I can have it’s lonely moments, can cause me to wonder if I am missing out on things by not joining with certain activities that others may entertain, but previous experience has taught me what serves my greater purpose and experience in life.
I have to put my faith in this process of my life and believe that this current experience and the choices I am making are the right ones. I have to trust that even if I am not part of the crowds and on my own little path most of the time that it will lead me to where I want to be. To some extent this path has already proved to be a good one in leading me to this happier calm place in my soul. The next steps will hopefully now bring the rest of my hearts desires. Until then it’s largely just me, myself and I, inspiration, creativity, expression, hopes and dreams.
I often sit and ponder, think and wonder. Many different tangents I visit in my minds journeys in any given day, hour, minute or second. I can find myself in memories of my past, in imagined possibilities of my future, tangents that are visited where I land to surmise an answer, find a solution, view a stance or perspective; so many varieties of images, visions, stories, captured moments that find themselves in my perceptual awareness with no concious definate choice of their presence to be felt in the splits of second that these fleeting snapshots occur. Stopping to think or fathom the vastness of this realm reminds me of the bizarre wonderment of the human mind.
“There” always seemed to be a place I could never quite get to. I’d set some dream goal, pray for it, hope for it, work for it, strive for it, believe the will shall be done to take me to that place and deliver me to that feeling or experience I imagined it to be, but still I didn’t get there.
I built track after track as a producer desperately trying to compose the next dance music anthem, hoping that would be the thing that might lead me “there”, that elusive place, what or where was it, success, happiness, love, another city, another country? All I knew was that it certainly was not in the place that I was in at the time.
I had so many visions of that place called there, where I thought I would find what I was looking for, some in other cities, with other people, in different situations, wealthier perhaps, married, with children, living in a happy home with a happy ending, surely that must be there? Or was it in Jamaica where once I had felt an experience of being that was the highest state of joy and peace I’d ever known? If I went back there would that be it? Would that be “there”?
I put myself through a degree and post graduate masters thinking that surely after I had achieved these merits I would get “there”. I ran marathons, 5K, then 10K, then Half Marathon hoping they would help me to get “there”, but I still didn’t feel like I was there yet.
Then one day this year it just happened, I just started to feel different inside, after all the searching, understanding, learning, changing, working, dreaming, hoping, wishing and praying I just knew I was “there”…it did exist despite it’s somewhat elusive quality. It is not a place with a destination you can navigate to, it is a feeling, it is peace, it is acceptance, it is happiness, it is contentment…it’s a place inside and the journey to it can be a challenging one, but it is definitely worth it in the end…
So if you are looking for that place, don’t give up, keep on keeping on, you will find it if you make the journey and you will know when you reach “there”…